Tis the season to be jolly!

Christmas time in Nairobi. I gotta tell you, I miss snow with a passion. I prefer traveling upcountry for the holiday because it feels amazing to be out of Nairobi and in a clean air environment where you can relax and enjoy the holiday. And we can get away with chopping down a pine tree to decorate and put in the living room and toss loads of presents underneath and add cotton balls strategically to give the illusion of snow. I will spend roughly 36 hours of manual labor in the kitchen in creating a magnificent turkey feast that will be devoured in roughly 15 minutes. Try replicating that in Mombasa in a minimum of 90 degree heat... Nairobi is bad enough but Mombasa - too hot too feel Christmas.



Nairobi unfortunately feels the same but go to any mall and I feel like I'm bargain hunting in any mall in Ohio. The crowds are the same, the buzz is the same and the props are the same. It is funny to hear a "shrubbing" Santa. "Melly Chlistmas!" yells the skinny Santa with a pot belly near the entrance of a Nakumatt. The bargains....I'm too broke right now to even go window shopping but soon, I'll be roaming Westgate Mall to get everybody's presents. I wonder, what do you get a one year old who is in his terrible two's with the emotional angst of a teenager?

Ten Nairobi pecularities I could do without.

1. Grown men taking a wee against any immobile upright object in broad daylight, hedges more preferable. I don't know why they can't help it. They'll be walking nice and steady next minute then they start doing that sneaky shuffle toward a bush or wall and whip it out and have a go - traffic or pedestrians be banned. The entire 680 Hotel exterior reeks of urine 24/7, partly because it's opposite Simmers.

2. Matatus packed with livestock. I have a picture on here of a cow being carried in a pickup truck. Well I've seen goats on roofs of buses but my favorite was seeing a matatu with chickens as passengers. There were a lot of hens in that vehicle as it hurtled down Uhuru Highway toward some waiting slaughterhouse. They were perched on all the seats, facing any and all directions, completely oblivious to their fate - much like human passengers in any decrepit matatu that is used daily.

3. Staring. Kenyans love to stare and they will not hide their curiosity. Been hit by a bus? They'll stare at you as you lie writhing in agony. Just been mugged? They'll tsk and shake their heads while watching you wail and plead for assistance. Are you white? You'll get stared at regardless of what you're doing.

4. Deodorant is a foreign concept not embraced by all. Summer is here bringing on the heat and the BO with a fierce vengance. Just this morning, I had to open the window on the matatu to gulp mouthfuls of exhaust from the surrounding traffic because the conductor kept raising his arms and emitting a life sucking odor. I envy those nations where surgical mask wearing is so commonplace because I would have a mask over my nose for every minute I have to walk these streets. It's not uncommon to read about some boda boda operator or mechanic being forcibly dragged into a river by his colleagues and forced to take a bath with industrial strength soap followed by a shave because the stink of his body is so overpowering.

5. Check out my pedicure! Kenyan women love their toes and will have stunning pedicures to display them toes and the most lovely colors to cap the nails on said toes. Even for many who have no nail on the last toe, some color will be added to even out the landscape. Now, there is immense popularity for the fairly flimsy flip-flop high heel sandals because these display the pedicure perfectly and that perfect foot must always be seen. Indeed if you go to most shoe shops, the largest selection is dedicated to open-toe shoes for women. Nairobi gals love these shoes so much that they wear them every day and night. The higher, more uncomfortable and smaller the shoe - the better to show off that pedi. Unfortunately, they are worn in many an inappropriate setting like job interviews (big NO NO!), golf courses and most sporting events.But the daily wearers are my favorite. It could have been raining for two days straight over the weekend and when you come into town on Monday when it's drizzling, miserable, muddy and you have to navigate the flooded sewers, you'll find a little princess hopping around in her sandals trying to make it to work. Her feet will be covered in mud and dripping with filthy water but don't worry, she can always wash them in the bathroom sink at the office, right next to you as you wash your hands.

6. News at Seven. Ok, I admit I've gotten used to this one. It doesn't matter what you were watching in the pub when in this city because at 7 on the dot (6.45 if it can be helped), that channel is on KTN. I'm not sure why it's more popular over NTV but it's the chosen one. Most patrons including some passing pedestrians will slot in to find spot even if it's right next to you or over you or on you to watch the news for the day. Was quite annoying for me during my first year back and I would purposely take a book out and start reading or whip out my phone and carry on a conversation. Then I realized the third or fourth news story was quite juicy. e.g. this Tuesday (10th December), a Dutch tourist was arrested for the murder of his girlfriend and his own attempted suicide by stabbing when the cops showed up to arrest him. KTN was there first in the hospital filming the suspect lying on a gurney in pure agony and covered with a blood stained sheet. I mean the camera was right up in his face as he winced and groaned while rolling around. This had the ability of stopping anyone mid sip and start taking a keen interest in the news.

7. Handout Nation. 'nuff said.

8. "To crose this account, you need to crear the barance then we can plocess the funds you have lequested." or "Tis bassbot must pe renewed pefore we can brocess the tocuments you want." or "Ow ndo you hexpenct us to wank on thees refund so quinckly?" are just a few of the local dialects influence on the English language that I have dealt with on an official capacity. This is a city of many languages, the predominant one being Somali but they have yet to obtain jobs in the public sector. The minority locals have done very well and are working in such prestigious offices and however wonderful and professional they are, the tongue is quite heavy on the mother's side.

9. Dining out. Restaurants get creative and will offer you the Moroccan chicken burger (not sure what's North African about it), Bountiful mushrooms on a bouquet of broccoli, green island salad (basic lettuce and strips of cucumber). I actually like the places that just say "boiled beef" or "boiled goat" or "boiled chicken" with "ugali and sukuma". I wish they would keep it simple. Many restaurants (Trattoria, a four star included) have such vast expansive menus that it will take you 20 minutes to decipher the calligraphy, 15 minutes to question the waiter, 10 minutes to ascertain that half the things you would have liked are not on the menu, 10 more minutes to order, 30 minutes for the waiter to come back and tell you that your order is actually out of stock, 15 minutes of furious arguing and much snorting before you place your order, 45 minutes for the appetizer to arrive, 2 minutes for your main course to arrive, 3 minutes for your bill to arrive, 15 minutes for your first drink order to finally make it to the table.

10. Concept of Space. Remember when you were kids and you're in assembly and you're lined up crotch to ass in a queue with other kids and have to stay this way throughout "Morning Has Broken", the Pledge of Loyalty, the National Anthem, the Headmistresses dressing down and more often some kid puking in line either right in front or behind you? Yeah, that concept stuck with many Kenyan adults and will be passed on to another generation. Try paying your electric bill on the day it is due. You will suffer the masses in a queue where the old woman behind you will do everything humanly possible to get in front of the five people ahead of you if it means clinging to your back. Worse, go to the bank and try and do a transaction while hearing the guy behind you salala! when you whisper how much money you want to withdraw. Space is clearly a time waster in Nairobi so spare yourself the pain and register for Mpesa.

South Coast Beach Boys need to be put on boats and sailed into Somali waters because....

1. No I'm not interested in promoting you and your drug habit.
2. I don't have to acknowledge your existence when you're screaming "jambo jambo sista!" across the beach.
3. I got family too who have more pressing needs than you selling me a keychain on Chinese wood to promote yours.
4. I do not intend to add a four day Masai Mara trip to a two day beach holiday.
5. No, I will not look for the girl in the brown bikini and tell her that you're waiting for her.
6. None of your business in who's in my party and what are our immediate plans.
7. I will swim when I damn well want to in the ocean, not when the tide is low enough for you to drag your lazy drugged out ass.
8. Just because you couldn't get a sale from me on the beach means I'll be easier when I leave the compound to buy credit.
9. Those freaking dreadlocks - WTF? Was there a memo saying all beach boys must have them?
10. Stay on the North coast - more bait for you there.

Cannot stand beach boys, they are the roaches of the tourism industry. As soon as you squash one, 10 more appear. Fucking shits.

Enough venting from tranquil holiday location, somewhere on the south.

Life so far....

Whenever I look at the picture below, it's instant calm. I'm thinking of a great book I am reading, the ice cold Tusker by my side and how relaxed I am. The office is miles away, there's no worry in the world. If it gets too hot, that's fine, I'll just go jump in the water, frolick for a bit, come out and lie flat on my back, eyes closed soaking in the sun. Deep breath in....hold....and out!

Then I open my eyes and I'm reminded of where I am:

Just sigh.

Food stuff.

Had some lovely meals when I was on holiday last month. Below is an avocado chicken wrap.


My friend ordered the prawns tempura with broccoli. Very very nice. Was even better with the sound of crashing waves in the background. There was also a tusker next to it.

Tom Cholmondeley sentenced to eight months.

Kenya court jails Delamere kin for eight months

Tom Cholmondeley, Delamere's kin, listens as High Court Judge Muga Apondi delivers his verdict in this file picture. The Judge sentenced him to eight moths imprisonment. Photo/ PAUL WAWERU

By NATION ReporterPosted Thursday, May 14 2009 at 11:56
In Summary

Director of Public Prosecution Keriako Tobiko acknowledges Mr Cholmondeley was a first offender.

Judge Apondi had initially reduced Cholmondeley’s murder charge and convicted him for manslaughter.


Lord Delamere's heir Tom Cholmondeley has been sentenced to eight months imprisonment for killing stonemason Robert Njoya.

High Court Judge Muga Apondi handed down the light sentence on Thursday, two days after hearing final submissions from both the prosecution and defence.

"In view of the total circumstances of the case and the guiding principles to sentencing, I hereby wish to impose a light sentence on the accused to allow him reflect on his life and change to an appropriate direction," said Judge Apondi.

"The upshot is that I hereby sentence the accused to 8 months imprisonment."

The judge said the fact that Mr Cholmondeley has " been held in custody for slightly over three years since he was arrested" and had no malice aforethought (intent to kill) prompted him to issue the light sentence.

He said that the prosecution had acknowledged that Mr Cholmondeley made desperate attempts to save the life of Mr Njoya, including calling Kenya Wildlife Service rangers and the police after the fatal shooting. He also offered his car to rush the victim to hospital.

The Director of Public Prosecution Keriako Tobiko also agreed that Mr Cholmondeley was a first offender.

These two mitigating factors were crucial in determining Cholmondeley's prison term, said Judge Apondi.

The judge said Mr Cholmondeley reserves the right to appeal the sentence.

Judge Apondi had initially reduced Cholmondeley’s murder charge and convicted him for manslaughter.

He found that Cholmondeley shot and killed Mr Njoya three years ago, but spared him death by hanging because a murder charge could not be sustained.

A murder conviction carries a mandatory death sentence.

Mr Justice Apondi relied on the evidence of Mr Carl Tundo, who was with Cholmondeley on the fateful day, to rule that the accused shot and killed Mr Njoya.

He found that the accused did not have malice aforethought (intention to kill) when he shot Mr Njoya at his Soysambu ranch on May 10, 2006.


My thoughts?

I'm so glad the man is going to be released. He served his time for protecting his land and continued conservation of protected species. The victim's family appear to have been compensated for their loss. Also, I still have no doubt that the efforts this man will put toward prison program reform in the future will make a larger impact than any other elected bugger in office has ever attempted.

Why must I share air with imbeciles?

Giraffes at Haller Park in Bamburi. You stand on a platform at their height. Awesome creatures. Would so much rather work with animals than people. Sorry, having an "I work with Idiots Day".

Free Tom Cholmondeley!

If some bastard Kenyan was on my land trying to steal my animals, I'd shoot the idiot bugger dead. Oh yes, I'd even do it twice and I've no qualms about a shot to the back. YOU WERE STEALING ON MY LAND!

Are they effin kidding me? Lane Garrison killed a kid, drunk and higher than the sky at the time and he served 18 months in prison. Oh yeah, he was given time off for good behavior.

The same Kenyans who are baying for his neck seem to have forgotten that while this man has been in prison, he's made considerable efforts toward prison reform. Remember when the prison warders went out strike because of bad conditions? His family brought in medicine and food for other prisoners. He has had articles featured in the paper addressing the rampant sodomizing rapes that male prisoners face in maximum security and what needs to be done. When there are food shortages, his family's farm has stepped in with supplies.

No, I've never met the man or his family but I will sign whatever petition is out there or help in any way possible. I hope his sentence is reduced and he's out by the end of the year. And let the next guy who's trying to poach on Soysambu that he'll get dead quick.

Kenyaness in photos....

On the way to the airport, came across this on a highway roundabout:

At Delamare farms in Naivasha, they have a picnic area. I wonder if this is the roast chicken they had on offer?

A typical ferry at Likoni. They crowd the thing and then cry when it stalls in the middle or starts to drift.

Motorcycle shopping in Kisii town. This place is full of them. I wonder how they get them up or down. No elevators.

Chef's special at a certain town near Kisumu City.

Placing your order at the Hood. Awesome nyama choma joint. Favorite choice, dry fry.

On a recent train trip, was told very politely. "I'm sorry, we only have the vegetarian option. Gentle stir fried rice with a pomme and tomato simmered sauce." Potato stew in yellow rice. Was surprisingly delicious!

A certain someone's awesome birthday cake.

Had an incredibly lovely evening. Thanks girl!

Safari Seven Fashion victims.

Tusker Safari Sevens 2008. Wet on Saturday though but brilliant rugby.

Ok, Safari Sevens is starting in June but they haven't posted the dates anywhere! Can someone please tell me when? I need to budget for this stuff now! My favorite thing to do was Fashion Police and wow, there were some serious "Don't" fashion victims out there. Keep in mind that it is bloody cold, temperature is in the single digits (celsius, not farenheit, which is still bloody cold).

I loved the shoe and dress choices also.

And the ground was soggy ass wet the whole day. But she was determined that her perfect manicure and those mitumba shoes had to be on display, come rain or high water. Ok, i'm being mean but it's fun watching the under 18s come out and try to be over 21 in 7 degree weather.

The following sunday, I opted to watch from the corporate tents. Much more relaxed and awesome way to end the tournament. It's more fun to watch from rugby with the watu's on Saturday as they are more rowdy and raunchy with the abuse. Sunday has turned into a family day of sorts. Loads of errant husbands showed up with toddlers in tow while mum was nowhere to be seen. Most likely paying for the sins of the previous night. Plus, you're much closer to the players and they always end up at the Virgin tent which was a very happening place.

Looking forward to this years. Go Kenya!

HEINEKEN SPONSORED RUGBY, HELL NO, I WON’T GO!

So there was a rugby tournament this weekend, the semi-finals between Rhino (Kenya) and Ruwenzori (Uganda). It was being sponsored by Lafarge Bamburi Kenya. The game was extremely enjoyable, made even more worthwhile because of the heckling and roasting that was going on around us. Oh I laughed so hard and followed an extremely exciting game. However Heineken, the sponsor, ruined everything for me. I’m used to having my usual Tusker “baridi” whenever I’m watching rugby, especially at Sevens. I didn’t take much notice of the confiscated bags hanging outside the entrance that were full of Tusker cans. When we got in, we ignored the Heineken tents set up at the entrance and went into the clubhouse which was undergoing renovation. They were installing the furniture and it looks like F1 (Madhouse, not Formula One). The only difference being there’s light coming through. Unfortunately due to the construction work going on, the bar was closed. So back to the Heineken tent where, crossed fingers, we might find cold Heineken bottles. But no, we were handed tap-cold cans that warmed instantly in the afternoon tropical sun. Basically, the beer is shite. And Heineken in Kenya in a can tastes worse than Milwaukee’s Best Light that’s been left in somebody’s trunk for three days and found when unloading a spare. (Yes, I have this experience).

I went back to the tent periodically to make sure that there was nothing else on offer in terms of beer. They had tons of hard alcohol which I wasn’t going to touch in that heat. And I honestly just wanted my cold tusker. So each time I paid the exorbitant price of $1.60 for a 330ml tin of boiling piss, I told the guy selling, “Honestly, don’t come back here again with this shit….ever!”

I left rugby for the first time in my life immediately after the final whistle (Rhinos won). The finals are this weekend but you have to pay me to go there. I’d rather go to my local and watch it on telly while having my tusker.

Reunited.

My birthday treat from two really good friends, F and W who took me out first thing in the morning. Had a great birthday, would have been fab with the twin. But she did come back and I did a holiday with her and it was awesome! Hopefully she'll be in town next week and we can do a holiday again. Oh that would rock! More later, having fun with the pics.