Silly Girl

Life is settling down slowly if not unevenly. Everyone keeps asking me how I’m doing, how things are and while I’m confident in my reply, I’m hesitant in admitting that it’s still a challenge. In many ways I led an extremely comfortable and easy life before coming back here and that totally ruined me. The loss of DSL, privacy, safety, independence, being able to go anywhere at any time...the list is endless but those are the adjustments that I make on a daily basis. I did something very foolish the other night. I went to meet someone and instead of having him pick me up, I told him I’d meet him at the restaurant we were to dine at. I took a matatu as I couldn’t find a cab near my apartment right away and I was already late and figured I'd save some bucks. Now the route this matatu takes goes very near the place I wanted to go but it doesn’t go all the way and instead turns around and goes to town. I normally pick up another matatu heading the other way and they frequently ply the route so I don’t wait that long.

Not quite the same story at night. I asked the driver to drop me off at that intersection but he said quietly realizing that I was a foreigner to the parts that it would not be safe. So he took me further along but not all the way because he had passengers and dropped me off in the middle of the highway. He said that I needed to be extremely careful because there were many thugs and street boys who slept in the ditches that lined the highway and the long barrier that separated the six lanes of traffic. He told me to walk right down the middle and walk fast. So I set off, heart hammering in my mouth, running in boots. I musta looked ridiculous but I didn’t bother asking anyone if my makeup was ok. I flew down that highway and almost sobbed with relief when I saw a tall school kid walking slowly ahead on the other side. I crossed the highway (very bad idea when there’s no speed limit, no street-lights and only the headlights of oncoming vehicles to guide you) and got safely to curb. I slowed down and walked behind him, feeling even safer when I saw an old woman carrying some bags walk behind me. As I neared the restaurant I slapped my hand and called myself stupid because I was. As much as I’d like everything in my life to stay constant, my actions will determine that state of matter. What I did was stupid, stupid, stupid and I’m ashamed I let my guard down and risked my safety just so I could save a few shillings. Idiot child. Next time I'm cabbing like crazy.