Why DSTV sucks.

DSTV is the main satellite telly service provider (done by Multichoice) in Kenya, in fact Africa as a whole. They have different packages for different budgets. I started out with the Premium Bouquet which has just about 6 movie channels, a lot of filler channels (Hallmark, E, Style, Food Network, BBC sideshow programming), an incredibly extensive sports coverage network, documentary channels like National Geographic and Discovery and the major news networks such as BBC, CNN and Al Jazeera. They also offer roughly 30 more foreign language channels which are extra ofcourse. All this for Kshs. 5,000.00 ($ 71.50) per month. Then for the budget conscious, there as a more affordable bouqet which only has one movie channel, some of the fillers, two documentary channels, three news channels and that's roughly Kshs. 1,700.00 ($24.30). Then there are some super family friendly channels which are not worth mentioning as they are religous and kids show oriented. Much cheaper obviously. Remember, most Kenyans live on $1 a day so this is obviously not a service targeted at the ordinary person.

Now Multichoice Kenya once had a focus group put together at the Norfolk over lunch, and they chose a selective few subscribers to give input on their services. I know for a fact that they invited (and probably rightfully so) the subscribers only and not viewers in their homes. They didn't realize that the subscriber probably works 15 hour days and doesn't have time to watch tv except for the news here and there. The true viewers are actually the maid and the kids on holiday (or those skipping school) who would have been better equipped to advice them on their programming.

I recently switched from the Premium to Compact for financial reasons. I can no longer justify spending that much money on such poor programming offers and here are a few examples why.

1. They repeat everything. And I mean everything for a two month cycle, it seems. I don't bother watching the Series Channel on Friday evening because all that will come on Saturday morning and Saturday evening will be re-run to death on Sunday. Same for the Food Network channels. I actually don't mind this as much but to watch but there are 10 episodes of New Scandanavia Cooking that came on for three months and I'm grateful on the knowlege I've gained concerning flash fried Norwegian Salmon. Same goes for ALL the documentary channels. In fact, the only guaranteed new content you'll see is on the news networks.

2. Movie choices are refreshed on Saturday and Sunday nights. The blockbuster movies are on while you're at work, slaving away to pay the bill and on the weekends and evening, they rerun Saturday and Sunday night choices with mainly family friendly numbers. They are also a year behind on new releases that have been on dvd for that period. Besides, if you prefer surfing the channel, cheaper to rent the dvd's where you'll be forced to focus instead of switching.



3. PVR - Their Tivo: Bloody expensive and pointless. All the shows will be re-run for a month anyway.

4. They had a monopoly on sports for a while but subsequently lost 80% of the Barclays Premier League to rival GTV, so forget football season. The one thing they do have that I'm grateful for is Formula One and rugby. You can get UEFA games on the local channels so no need to go for the premium sports package.

5. DSTV is different from DSTV Africa. The latter appears to be limited in choice. There's a channel called Sony Entertainment that they frequently advertise on most channels but that is not available outside of SA and it has most of the shows I'd love to watch like Amazing Race but it's not part of the Kenya programming. e.g. SA gets Supersport 3 (main football channel) and Supersport 4, Kenya gets the updates channel and a select sports channel which shows mainly SA soccer league. (YAWN) Oh yeah VH1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cheap bastards.

Above all I believe that SA pays the same as Kenyans for more channels while we're stuck with what they chose to show us. I've been accepting nothing less for sometime now have gone back to buying my pirated movies and the sports bars are happy to welcome me back as a paying customer to watch soccer on GTV.

P.S. I'm still a DSTV subscriber on a compact level. Only because of National Geographic, ESPN, CNN & Series channel. Picture up top was taken at Haller Park, Bamburi in Mombasa. Gorgeous ponds all over the place.

KPLC: Kenya Pricks & Lunatic Cons

I mean WTF! I got my electricity bill yesterday and my legs gave out under me. My bill has gone up by 150%. I contemplated prostitution that evening because there's no way I can afford this shit. I have a friend who's gone to contest his 1,000% bill increase at the power company and the line for complaints stretches outside while the cashiers sit idle. Kenyans by nature are incredibly patient and will put up with a lot until pushed. e.g., the election riots. But I'm ready for someone to start a fracas at their offices and I'll be right there cheering you on. You can't really yell at this people when you go complain because government workers being as petty and vicious as they are, will probably disconnect you. So I'm ready to don a bandana, and go kick up a fuss if everyone else does.

All of Kenya is going through economic hardships like nothing they've experienced before and it's getting worse. Before, I could go to the grocery store with $15 (Kshs. 1,000) and come out with loads of stuff. Now, I come out of the store with a handbag sized bag. Vegetables are bloody expensive, meat has gone up and the stock market is plunging daily. Urghh, I forgot, I bought shares a month ago!

The picture above is from my holiday at Voyager - looking at it calms me down.

Living in Kenya...

is damn expensive at the moment! I mean shit! The price of just about everything has become astronomical and it seems to have happened in the span of two months. My grocery bill is severely budgeted as it is and nothing is ever thrown out unless it has been drained upside down, squeezed to an inch of its life and scooped from the jar with precision for two weeks. Oh yeah, my salary stayed the same while my rent went up 10%. My electricity bill was the lovely shocker. I'm now paying more for a fuel levy than my actual consumption. My water bill did make me a little bit less miserable as I have a small credit, until I read the paper and saw that the company wants to increase their fees to 50%.


All in all, things are quite thick at the moment but we're trucking on. I know my one big expense I will need to rethink is my satellite telly. Yes, I'm an idiot for still hanging on to a luxury while facing starvation but I needed it to keep me home. See, with the Olympics, I tend to go home early and watch the day's events and on the weekends, I have tons of sports to watch and catch up on and most importantly Survivor Micronesia. Yes, I know I'm behind like 67 seasons but I love love love Jeff with an unhealthy longing. But my latest addiction is a documentary series called Long Way Down on National Geographic about a cross continent road show by Charley Boorman and his good friend Ewan McGregor. It's absolutely fascinating and quite touching journey as they make their way through Africa to Cape Town on gorgeous bikes, the little towns they visit on the way, the humble yet cheerful people they meet, the bureaucrats they struggle with and the bumps and bruises they encounter all in the name of idle Scotsmen with good hearts having a great time. I lament that I discovered this show a little bit late but I'm glad I found it before they reached Kenya. I love seeing this country through other people's eyes because living and working in Nairobi jades me sometimes.

On the boys' trip to Marsabit, they were treated to a goat roast in the middle of nowhere. It was their first time seeing the meat not coming out a shrink wrapped Styrofoam tray but from an alive and kicking animal. They witnessed the slaughter, skinning and cleaning before the meat was grilled to perfection. Now I drooled while I was watching them chow down because budgetary constraints have made me drop meat off my menu for a couple of days. I've been craving Masai meat which is a distinctly exquisite flavorful meat. Why? Because it's the "pointy" sheep/goat breed blend. Yes, they do mix them up once in a while and these animals provide the most amazing barbecue item. The best place I've had this dish is at Kitale Club about 450km North West of Nairobi closer to the Uganda Border. I'm a member of the golf club that is being run down by aging relics of club officials but is a wonderful museum piece if they get off the bar stool and hand it over t0 a youthful entrepreneurial group who can restore it's glory.

I digress - as usual. Masai meat is basically grilled or pan fried. I prefer the latter as it is sauteed in onions and you can throw in dhania (coriander leaves) at the last minute and serve with ugali (chapati for me) and sukuma wiki (kale) or spinach and tons of kachumbari (onion/tomato salsa). I detest my local butcher because they meat always has a funky taste so I bought supermarket beef as Masai meat is hard to get within the city. I was craving this dish so I made it last night with all of the above trimmings, girl-in-Nairobi style. First 1/2lb of beef cubes which I cut even smaller, clean and sea salted with ground black pepper. Toss in two onions, sliced into rings in a saucepan with about 2tbsp extra virgin olive oil (healthy living!), saute for about two minutes, add the meat and cook on low heat for additional 10 - 20 minutes depending on how the level of doneness wanted. When most of the natural juice has reduced, toss the meat into a sillet with one onion sliced into rings, cover and stir every 2 minutes. Add dhania for about one minute, cover then stir until sizzling. Serve with cool and spicy kachumbari, warm and toasty chapatis and...wow, I'm drooling and it's 10 a.m.

bon appetit

P.S. Charley and Ewan had condiments. Mayo and yellow mustard............why?

Currencies in Kenya

The shilling is doing really well at the moment - sucks if you have any other currency. Indicative rates at the moment are super depressing. I calculated a roundtrip ticket to London this summer and was shocked at the fact that I could actually afford it. (Ofcourse I'd have to forego rent, water and food every other day.) But if I wanted to, I could survive!

As of Tuesday exchange rates are

$1 Kshs. 61.67
£1 Kshs. 121.67 (down yesterday from 126!!!!)
€1 Kshs. 97.4973 (only one seemingly steady)
1Rand Kshs. 7.86 (cheap cheap cheap!)

And the low season is starting in Kenya but I'm guessing the prices will remain mid-high season to get back what was lost because of the Election Stealing Catastrophe. More later.

Chaos City

As I type, there are marching youth down Ngong Avenue and Mbagathi Way has been closed. All are upset because of the murder of the Embakasi MP early this morning. Ofcourse, that's the excuse these marauding maniacs are using while looting, random violence and acts of lunacy are carried out.

I hope I leave early today but I doubt that will occur. There are some interesting arguments around the office though, most uneducated but some make sense. The reality is that this country is in deep shit and the powers that be, in their silence are fostering a volatile environment in which rumors are rampant and clarity is scarce.

Of what I know, the mushroom project were working on is abandoned in Timboroa as the incredibly diverse community that formed it have now abandoned their homes and sought refuge elsewhere. 2/3 of the main centre has been burnt down and people are sleeping on top of each other at the police station. This is just one section of the country. Others are far worse and more and more people are dying every day.

I'm saddened and disappointed. I came back to Kenya not sure what was in store but I was assured that it was quite progressive and peaceful and was a functioning democracy. All that has been built is being destroyed on a shocking level. Kenya had always been a success story in the midst of other chaotic African nations and had done well economically.

Yeah, forget about all that. It's become basic tribalism now. It wasn't before but the unresolved issue of the electoral process has certainly brought out the worst in people. I'm trying to say as impartial as possible but man it's hard! People are downright stupid......yes, they are. And they go on rumors and accusations but while everyone keeps fighting, I'mma stay under the radar and figure out how to protect my ass.

This land is not my land....for now.

Urghh! One whole bloody year since I last posted! Soo much has happened but the biggest thing is the fact that this country has gone to shit. I don't want to talk about that thief and his cohorts who are in office as they are not worth my time. I voted for the first time in my life. Stood in line for three hours, chatting with my neighbors, reading a book. I got to that booth, decided there's no way I could stand to see that mad woman called Lucy Wambui stay at State House for five more years. I also voted against that thug called Gumo who stole 20K from me as well as the stupid woman who was slapped in public by him and didn't do a damn thing about it. As for the councillor, I honestly picked the guy who's poster was on the wall by school entrance where we voted.

On Thursday night, I was working late and as I left the office, I passed the Hilton Hotel. What struck me as the oddest thing was that out of the entire 16 storey building, only two rooms were lit at 9 that evening. Two!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The tourism industry is all but finished. Some hotels have lowered their rates and are advertising in the classified section!!!!!!!!! Well, I intend to take advantage of those bargains as much as I can. I have to support the industry because it's going to take a while for foreigners to come back.

Ok, back to work. It's Saturday and we're working because the protests start on Wednesday. More later, I promise!