1. Grown men taking a wee against any immobile upright object in broad daylight, hedges more preferable. I don't know why they can't help it. They'll be walking nice and steady next minute then they start doing that sneaky shuffle toward a bush or wall and whip it out and have a go - traffic or pedestrians be banned. The entire 680 Hotel exterior reeks of urine 24/7, partly because it's opposite Simmers.
2. Matatus packed with livestock. I have a picture on here of a cow being carried in a pickup truck. Well I've seen goats on roofs of buses but my favorite was seeing a matatu with chickens as passengers. There were a lot of hens in that vehicle as it hurtled down Uhuru Highway toward some waiting slaughterhouse. They were perched on all the seats, facing any and all directions, completely oblivious to their fate - much like human passengers in any decrepit matatu that is used daily.
3. Staring. Kenyans love to stare and they will not hide their curiosity. Been hit by a bus? They'll stare at you as you lie writhing in agony. Just been mugged? They'll tsk and shake their heads while watching you wail and plead for assistance. Are you white? You'll get stared at regardless of what you're doing.
4. Deodorant is a foreign concept not embraced by all. Summer is here bringing on the heat and the BO with a fierce vengance. Just this morning, I had to open the window on the matatu to gulp mouthfuls of exhaust from the surrounding traffic because the conductor kept raising his arms and emitting a life sucking odor. I envy those nations where surgical mask wearing is so commonplace because I would have a mask over my nose for every minute I have to walk these streets. It's not uncommon to read about some boda boda operator or mechanic being forcibly dragged into a river by his colleagues and forced to take a bath with industrial strength soap followed by a shave because the stink of his body is so overpowering.
5. Check out my pedicure! Kenyan women love their toes and will have stunning pedicures to display them toes and the most lovely colors to cap the nails on said toes. Even for many who have no nail on the last toe, some color will be added to even out the landscape. Now, there is immense popularity for the fairly flimsy flip-flop high heel sandals because these display the pedicure perfectly and that perfect foot must always be seen. Indeed if you go to most shoe shops, the largest selection is dedicated to open-toe shoes for women. Nairobi gals love these shoes so much that they wear them every day and night. The higher, more uncomfortable and smaller the shoe - the better to show off that pedi. Unfortunately, they are worn in many an inappropriate setting like job interviews (big NO NO!), golf courses and most sporting events.But the daily wearers are my favorite. It could have been raining for two days straight over the weekend and when you come into town on Monday when it's drizzling, miserable, muddy and you have to navigate the flooded sewers, you'll find a little princess hopping around in her sandals trying to make it to work. Her feet will be covered in mud and dripping with filthy water but don't worry, she can always wash them in the bathroom sink at the office, right next to you as you wash your hands.
6. News at Seven. Ok, I admit I've gotten used to this one. It doesn't matter what you were watching in the pub when in this city because at 7 on the dot (6.45 if it can be helped), that channel is on KTN. I'm not sure why it's more popular over NTV but it's the chosen one. Most patrons including some passing pedestrians will slot in to find spot even if it's right next to you or over you or on you to watch the news for the day. Was quite annoying for me during my first year back and I would purposely take a book out and start reading or whip out my phone and carry on a conversation. Then I realized the third or fourth news story was quite juicy. e.g. this Tuesday (10th December), a Dutch tourist was arrested for the murder of his girlfriend and his own attempted suicide by stabbing when the cops showed up to arrest him. KTN was there first in the hospital filming the suspect lying on a gurney in pure agony and covered with a blood stained sheet. I mean the camera was right up in his face as he winced and groaned while rolling around. This had the ability of stopping anyone mid sip and start taking a keen interest in the news.
7. Handout Nation. 'nuff said.
8. "To crose this account, you need to crear the barance then we can plocess the funds you have lequested." or "Tis bassbot must pe renewed pefore we can brocess the tocuments you want." or "Ow ndo you hexpenct us to wank on thees refund so quinckly?" are just a few of the local dialects influence on the English language that I have dealt with on an official capacity. This is a city of many languages, the predominant one being Somali but they have yet to obtain jobs in the public sector. The minority locals have done very well and are working in such prestigious offices and however wonderful and professional they are, the tongue is quite heavy on the mother's side.
9. Dining out. Restaurants get creative and will offer you the Moroccan chicken burger (not sure what's North African about it), Bountiful mushrooms on a bouquet of broccoli, green island salad (basic lettuce and strips of cucumber). I actually like the places that just say "boiled beef" or "boiled goat" or "boiled chicken" with "ugali and sukuma". I wish they would keep it simple. Many restaurants (Trattoria, a four star included) have such vast expansive menus that it will take you 20 minutes to decipher the calligraphy, 15 minutes to question the waiter, 10 minutes to ascertain that half the things you would have liked are not on the menu, 10 more minutes to order, 30 minutes for the waiter to come back and tell you that your order is actually out of stock, 15 minutes of furious arguing and much snorting before you place your order, 45 minutes for the appetizer to arrive, 2 minutes for your main course to arrive, 3 minutes for your bill to arrive, 15 minutes for your first drink order to finally make it to the table.
10. Concept of Space. Remember when you were kids and you're in assembly and you're lined up crotch to ass in a queue with other kids and have to stay this way throughout "Morning Has Broken", the Pledge of Loyalty, the National Anthem, the Headmistresses dressing down and more often some kid puking in line either right in front or behind you? Yeah, that concept stuck with many Kenyan adults and will be passed on to another generation. Try paying your electric bill on the day it is due. You will suffer the masses in a queue where the old woman behind you will do everything humanly possible to get in front of the five people ahead of you if it means clinging to your back. Worse, go to the bank and try and do a transaction while hearing the guy behind you
salala! when you whisper how much money you want to withdraw. Space is clearly a time waster in Nairobi so spare yourself the pain and register for Mpesa.
